Tom Mooring's Whopping Blogocks MUSIC AND SHIT.

Everyone knows Tom Mooring’s music is flippin’ great, but until now no one knew that it was actually medicinal.

A recent study at Oxford University has shown scientific evidence that exposure to the sounds of Tom Mooring can significantly increase the recovery rate of incessant music interrogation victims. Dr Nicholas Pharmacie, who led the study, said:

“When a person undergoes the physical and emotional stress of being kept awake for days on end listening to the same snippets of inane music at incomprehensible volumes a number of different compounds build up in their central nervous system as a result. One such compound is made up of deadly HSM’s (Horrendous Sound Molecules), which naturally occur in people exposed to top 40 playing radio stations.”

A recent case in which Tyneside DJ, Harry ‘The Hay-Bale’ Christian, had to be rushed to A&E after collapsing at Newcastle’s third bi-annual ‘Insanity Marathon of DJ Madness’ has polarised medical experts. The official diagnosis was exhaustion, however this is currently being appealed by Pharmacie’s legal team.

“Poor old ‘Hay-Bale’, this is more than likely a case of critical HSM build up and could be the first recorded case of Cheryl Cole poisoning.” Vehemently waxed Pharmacie.

However, it’s in military hospitals where advances in HSM treatment could be crucial. P.O.W’s are frequently exposed to repetitive playings of pubic permed poodle rock bum boys Bon Jovi in efforts to psychologically cripple the inmate into revealing information, a technique condemned by the UN. This results in giddying levels of HSM’s invading ones central nervous system, causing nausea and disorientation.

“Using electron microscopes we have been able to monitor the HSM’s degrading and exploding in quite spectacular fashions when exposed to, specifically, Tom Mooring’s wailing guitar work.”

Dr Pharmacie sumises:

“Maybe it’s the reckless abandon with which he plays that counteracts the cliched and musically contrived stylings of Bon Jovi axe man Richie Sambora, but don’t quote me on that. Hahaha”

We will.

It has also been revealed that Tom Mooring, the aural antioxidant himself, has donated an undisclosed sum of money so that research into HSM’s can be continued indefinitely. In response to this act of unbridled generosity Oxford University has renamed it’s Trinity College, one of the oldest and most prestigious, to ‘THE MOORINGOPLEX OF SCIENCE GOOD’. Everyone agrees it’s a better name.

Tom Mooring, as usual, refused to comment saying that anyone with a 0.1 HSM concentration or higher can receive a free copy of his entire back catalogue and a signed high-five for only £0.98.

Visit http://tommooring.bandcamp.com for more details.

Tracey Bacon, a 48 year old Telesales manager from Hull who has been described as the unluckiest woman in Britain, has had her fortunes reversed thanks to Tom Mooring. Tracey, a mother of 7, discovered a rare and discontinued Tom Mooring EP named ‘Dripping Bean Heart’ at a local boot-sale for 50p, an event which she claims turned her life around and led to what she describes as a “Karmic change of luck”. Mrs Bacon now wins at least 1 Take A Break competition per week and enjoys between 3 and 4 numbers on 7 out of 10 National Lottery Lucky Dips. Her husband, Brian, said “Since finding that record we’ve not had to give way to the right at roundabouts, foxes have stopped crapping in our garden and our youngest son has regained feeling in his elbows.”

The record responsible was described upon it’s release as the most dangerous EP in the world due to an unfortunate lathe malfunction that rendered the edge of the vinyl sharper than most knives. This fact, combined with it’s uncommon playing speed of 78RPM, led to a number of lost fingers and a tragic incident where a Cornish boy severed the nerve endings in his shins.

Mrs Bacon had this to say about the find:

“I nearly bloody shit myself when I found it. I was just flicking through a box of vinyl and I noticed an increasing amount of blood stains on the records running up to it. I could feel it in my waters what was coming up.”

She continued to comment that:

“I’ve always been a Tom Mooring fan, I even bought an Algerian tape deck when his Robots Love Christmas single was released on cassettes that were slightly too big to play in European ones.”

The ‘Dripping Bean Heart’ EP was popular mostly among music loving butchers which led to rumours of there being only 4 playable copies in existence. The last having sold for €367,294 at auction. However, Mrs Bacon’s copy is one of the ultra-rare promo copies that features an acoustic cover of ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’, which was pulled at the last minute on request of Cat Stevens who lost the little finger on his left hand during a DJ set a week before release. Ironically, the incident has meant that Mr Stevens can no longer play the song live and gets Rod Stewart to do it instead. Experts have predicted that the auction, due to be held next month, could raise a ‘pant wettingly’ large amount of money.

Mr Bacon quipped:

“It’s lucky for us that Tom Mooring is so cutting edge.”

Indeed. Tom Mooring, as usual, refused to comment saying that he wished he’d kept a copy or two for himself instead of using them to throw at pikey’s and gypo’s.